Slim to none

Rick Melén

What are the odds that we would find ourselves in a wacky world where you can bet on just about anything?

I looked it up and it's one. But it would be hard to find anyone to bet against you, so you might need a few prop bets, perhaps an arbitrage bet if you plan to make any money on this.

When I was a kid, somebody would say, "You're too uncoordinated to jump over that stream."

And I would say, "Oh, yeah? How much do you wanna bet?"

"Five dollars."

And we'd shake on it, and then I would make the spectacular leap. After that, soaking wet, it was hard to deny that I did not quite make it fully over the stream. I maintain that the reason was not because I was uncoordinated, but because of any number of deficiencies in the stream. I'm able to change the subject before the five dollars comes up because of our short attention spans.

Fast forward to today: "I betcha ten bucks Stanton strikes out right now."

And my wife glares at me with a look that says, "You possibly have a gambling problem, but compared to all your other problems, it's not something you should worry too much about."

By the way, Stanton DOES strike out, and I never get the ten bucks. Actually, I'd feel better if it was Stanton that paid me the ten bucks.

But now you don't need to rely solely on unreliable partners like myself, because sites like Kalshi have legitimized novelty gambling so that you can expand your God-given right to lose money to everyday occurrences. What are the odds that the lady who just pulled out in front of me going 50 miles an hour is now going to crawl along in front of me at 25?

What are the chances that Sydney Sweeney is going to pop up on every page of my Yahoo News feed, even though I only clicked on her once, I swear, and only after we had both been drinking?

Surely, I jest. Oh, really? How sure? Care to make a little wager? Okay, maybe it hasn't come quite that far yet, but it seems only a matter of time, you can bet on it. And the list of things that betting sites will take money on is surprising.

What about the next pope? A pope often serves a lifetime appointment, but nobody lives forever. I've been canvassing some of the Sunday schools in the area, trying to pick up a few leads on some very early frontrunners. Yes, these are risky bets, but the long odds make for a very lucrative payday. First, I checked to see if gambling was one of the seven deadly sins. Then I delved into the research: "Hey, Kid-put down those blocks. Where do you think the line is drawn between doctrine and political advocacy?"

What about Pete Davidson's next wife? You can bet that he'll have a new one in the next five to 10 minutes. I've been handicapping some of the available women out there who, 1.) laugh at jokes, they don't have to be that funny, or, 2.) value reliability and longevity in a relationship (I crossed those off), 3.) seem like they wouldn't mind a guy who had a big tattoo of Hillary Clinton or one of a skull with a brain at the top of it or "bada bing" next to a nude lady, or 4.) is okay with someone who smiles in every picture as if they didn't hear what you said, and hopes it wasn't something you shouldn't smile at. The list of eligible women is surprisingly long, so I'm still looking into that.

Believe it or not, you can bet on the existence of extra-terrestrial beings. People have been saying that there are aliens in Area 51, but I've been to all 50 of the other areas, and although I alienated several people, no one would officially designate ME an alien. Disappointing because I thought that one was a lock.

You can bet on the end of the world. Trump, who is a wealthy businessman of the highest IQ, also ostensibly controls the largest nuclear arsenal of any country. He could go ALL IN on an exact date for the end of the world, and DOUBLE his entire net worth after the big bang. It would be hard to argue against the genius of that.

Now I'll explain some of the specific bets themselves. Here is an example of a "teaser bet:" You say, "Let's bet on the colors of the uniforms!" And the other brothers of the fraternity all look at each other, and not at you. Then they say "I bet the colors will be vermilion and mauve!" and "Polka dots!" and "I bet they'll use throwback bikinis today!"

A "proposition bet," or "prop bet," allows you to wager on specific events or point totals unrelated to the score of the game itself. You may bet on how many passing yards a player might have, or if there will be safety scored during the game. Before the kickoff you could bet on how many minutes someone can sing a song that used to be the National Anthem, and how many notes they can squeeze into it before it explodes.

The problem with gambling is that it's often the people who need money that bet, and not the people who have money. I'm not a gambler. Even if I'm doing the laundry, I don't know when to fold. But I have been a homeowner for 30 years, and I can tell you unequivocally that no matter what I do, the house always gets my money.

Say hello at rlife8@hotmail.com.