A simple guide to dog training

Rick Melén

At my house we are now at the instructional stage of puppy ownership, and I thought as a public service I might share some of my experiences with you, so that you can make fun of me.

Dog training is different than "cat training," which is a phrase made up by the same guy who thought up "unicorn." Fundamentally, a dog simply wants to please its owner. A cat, specifically MY cat, will try to discover your Social Security number. To illustrate its disposition, if my cat Daphne was a human, Christopher Walken would be playing her in the movies. If she really IS plotting to assume my identity, she's not as smart as she thinks she is. Have you taken a good look at my identity? I sometimes describe my personality as that of a 14 year-old, only without all the sophistication.

Anyway, in order to train a dog, you have to think like a dog. Which is easier for a guy than you'd think, because the thought processes for dogs and guys are remarkably similar. For instance, I might see a Baby Ruth bar on the ground (still in the wrapper), and ask my wife, "Can I eat that?" And she'll say something like, "NO!" Or we might be at a museum and I might say, "Is it OK to sniff that?" And she'll say something along the lines of, "NO!"

First thing's first: Friends who know that we have a new addition will ask, "How's the housebreaking going?" And I reply, "She's doing great. The house is about 80% broken." You'll need to keep your eyes open for the behavioral signals that your dog sends out to you. I noticed right away that my dog needed to go out because she was peeing on the floor. There is a certain amount of "modeling behavior" that will help teach your dog right from wrong. If you can convince a dog that you have the least bit of common sense, you may get it to do as you do. It's usually not necessary to go to the bathroom in the woods, but I wouldn't rule it out just yet.

Your dog will have to learn some English. This is where I excel, because I speak the language fluently, or at least better than a dog. There are some basic commands we can start with. "Heel" means that your dog walks calmly alongside you with a natural gait and without pulling at the leash. The best way to accomplish this is to go wherever the dog wants to go, at whatever speed it is walking. It has little regard for your height, so pay attention to low hanging obstacles.

At the command "Come!" your dog should stop whatever it's doing at the time and run over to where you are standing. This is not easy for a dog to do, because whatever the dog is already doing is probably fun, and whatever you're doing is probably boring. We use the alternate command of "Here!" in case there's some confusion about where either of you are.

"Drop it." This command directs your dog to drop whatever it has in its mouth, even if it is a tasty chocolate covered with nuts that was found in the catbox. It should be noted that this directive differs from the human version, where your wife says, "We've had this argument a thousand times, and we're not going there again," and you say, "I know I'm right, I have history on my side: it's well-known that Theodore Roosevelt ALWAYS watched the James Bond marathon when it came on," and your wife says, "Drop it." And you do, just like Theodore Roosevelt did.

"Speak! Speak!" I don't know why you should want your dog to chime in with an opinion about everything. I know people like that, namely me, and it can be exhausting. If anything, I'd like the dog to exercise its right to remain silent once in a while.

Some people love to feature the insouciance of puppyhood using the playful command, "Beg!" where the dog sits on his haunches with its forepaws bent in the air and whimpers with an expression that says, "Listen, man, could you spare a couple hundred bucks for a train ticket? I'm trying to visit my Mom, who's at Mount Sinai, but it's the original Mount Sinai in Egypt." This command can be adorable as well as lucrative, especially if your dog wears a hat or can play the tambourine. You can do even more with this command if your dog is able to bark with a Nigerian accent.

Here are a couple other instructions that we haven't gone over yet: 1.) "Get down." This is often followed by the command, "Get funky," which will be covered in a more advanced article. 2.) "Stay." This command should always be used in the event that the "Come" command is not effective. 3.) "What the hell are you doing? Huh? What are you doing?" While not a command per se, your dog may not yet equate these words with the fact it has just devoured the adapter cord to your computer.

I hope this guide has been helpful, and that by reading about my mistakes, you can repeat them almost exactly.

Join Rick and No Options at the Yorktown Grange Fair on Sunday, Sept. 13, at 4 p.m. Say hello at rlife8@hotmail.com.