An imperfect match

Rick Melén

Now that the weather is warming up, It's time to get back on the court and whack the old ball around.

I consider myself an avid tennis player, which is a nice way of saying I suck at it, or I would have said I was a GOOD tennis player. I thought I'd be better at it because I chose the sport so carefully all those decades ago. I wanted to concentrate on just one recreational activity, because I knew I didn't have the time to suck at more than one sport.

I carefully weighed the pros and cons of the other sports before I made my decision. I wanted a game where you can hit stuff that can't hit you back. In hockey you get to bang around a black four-inch disk with a stick while on skates, which in my case means, while also falling and breaking my wrist. It's a lot to remember at once. On the plus side, the puck goes so fast I doubt anyone would even notice if I actually hit it or not, but on the minus side the puck looks a lot like a Ring Ding, and I think that would throw my concentration off.

I ruled out soccer, because you have to kick the ball with your foot while also running, so that you only have one foot left to accomplish either purpose. It seems like I'd need at least three feet to get the job done. You're allowed to use your head, but I've been allowed to use it all this time and it seems to have seen little use.

Baseball is one of my favorite sports; you hit a small ball with a round club. It's a quirky game, but the bases are often stolen, and if you hit the ball over a fence it's considered good, and much of the territory in the playing field is foul. Also, you need 18 players and two or three hours. In golf you get to hit a ball as hard as you want, but it's really small and then you have to go find it, even if you hit it somewhere you'd rather not go, like your niece's baby shower. And, there can be caddy remarks.

In tennis all I have to do is hit a decent-sized ball with a fairly large racquet over a 42-inch net. Really, the hardest part is figuring out the score. "Love" means "0," a number that you opposite-of-love if you happen to have it. It comes from mispronouncing the French word for "egg," which doesn't help matters. The first time you score you get 15 points, the second time you get another 15 for a total of 30, but you only get 10 points for the next one, and only one for each score thereafter. Even if you had a slide rule it wouldn't help you much unless you fully extended it and banged it over the head of the person who came up with that abstruse system. To win, you simply keep hitting the ball over the net until it doesn't come back.

It can be played on any surface. Here in Somers' Reis Park, the court consists of fake grass, which is mowed with a fake lawnmower. It can also be played on clay or real grass. Playing on a hard court only makes it harder. The court can be indoors or outdoors, but I don't like playing outside, where I'm subject to the elements. I don't like the rain, wind or sun, although I don't mind boron or cadmium. Some elements in the table I like only periodically.

Playing doubles tennis with your wife is the perfect opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Consider the following values:

• Communication. I always let my partner know when I have a better shot at the ball by calling out, "Mine." Afterwards, on the rare occasion that I might miss, she gently reminds me, "You missed again." And I say, "Well the ball had a ton of spin on it, but that's neither here nor there." And she says, "That's also where your shot landed."

• Empathy. You should be able to share the emotions of your partner, both good and bad. "Honey," I console, "That was such a crummy way to lose the point, hitting into the net after that long, long rally with so many great shots. By the way, I would have hit it into the net much sooner if it had ever come to me- we only have the court for an hour."

• Patience. Don't be impatient with your partner, even if when serving she tosses the ball into the air 37 times. Just tell her, "It's all right, Dear, as they say, '38th time's a charm.'"

• Conflict resolution. How you solve disagreements on the court is something you can extrapolate to your marriage in general. I say, "I know you didn't hit that serve into the back of my neck on purpose, I'm sure you were trying to hit it so finely down the tee that there was simply little room for error. So, it was just an unfortunate mis-hit, right? ...Right?" "Of course I wasn't trying to hit you in the neck on purpose, Darling. I was aiming for your butt."

• Focus. Just as in life, in tennis it often comes down to focus. There may be many distractions, whether it be something on the court, or the excessive heat, or maybe there are obstreperous children on the next court having fun trying to learn the game. Keep your attention only on the ball. "HEY! Lady! Are those your kids? Doesn't the zoo have a policy against letting them out free like that? What are you, the Angelina Jolie of tennis?"

• Love. In the end, it all boils down to love, and she says, "Great, Honey! We lost the set six- love."

Say hello at rlife8@hotmail.com.