A college choice reconsidered

Dr. Linda Silbert

Dear Dr. Linda,

We live in New York, but our daughter decided to only apply to colleges on the west coast.

No matter how we tried to change her mind, she wouldn’t listen. I understand that at the time there were many things happening at home, between my wife and me, plus she wasn’t doing well at school, which made her want to run as far away as she could.

I think if there was a college on a little island in the Pacific Ocean, she would have applied there too. For some reason she didn’t apply to any colleges in Hawaii and we didn’t mention them to her either. Anyway, we made it clear to her last spring when she sent back her letter of acceptance to a college in Washington, that we would only pay for her tuition and not room and board. We explained that going to college on the west coast meant a lot of money had to go towards traveling expenses. At the time she agreed and made it very clear to us that she was basically happy to get away from us. Well, to make a long story short, I guess, because things got better at home, she has changed her mind and is refusing to go to her dream school in Washington. School starts in a week and we’ve already sent in tuition. Where do we go from here?

-Ed

Dear Ed,

I don’t know what was going on in your home last fall when your daughter decided that running to the other side of the country was her only way out of her misery, but that’s what she decided. Using the reasoning power and skills of a high school junior, she decided that she’d have a better life on the west coast. By things getting better at home and hopefully working things out with outside professionals, her need to run away seems to have subsided. In fact, if I’m reading your letter correctly, she doesn’t want to run away anymore because she doesn’t have the need to.

This is a good problem, because your family’s life seems to have returned back to normalcy. However, the situation you’re in right now will take a lot of “calm” conversations as what to do next. To begin with, whatever has happened in your home, your daughter now feels comfortable with you and her mom. In addition, reality hit. She’s leaving her family to go away to the unknown and has the sole responsibility to provide for housing and food. That’s overwhelming for adults to deal with, no less a college freshman. She’s probably scared and that’s understandable. When she was angry and wanted to run away, she wasn’t thinking clearly. Now that she actually has to make the move, it doesn’t seem like such a great idea anymore. Especially, if the cause of her running away has changed.

Many people would say that “she made her bed, so now she has to sleep in it.” In other words, she made that choice and now she has to pay the consequences for it. She’ll learn from it. On the other hand, many people would argue that she wasn’t thinking clearly and was not aware, because of her age, as to what she was doing.

At this point, I suggest you listen to her, work with her and support her decision. Remember, she wanted to run away for a reason that was probably out of her control. You and your wife had created an environment in your home in which she was uncomfortable. You see now, when things settled down, she’s back with you. She’s home again.

So, for starters, contact the college in Washington and see what you have to do to get your tuition back. Secondly, contact local colleges to see if she can still apply to start in the fall term. It’s probably too late, but she can still take courses as a nonmatriculated student. This means that she doesn’t pay tuition for the semester, but rather she pays per course. Once she zeros in on a college she would like to attend, she needs to contact an undergraduate admissions counselor for advice. She can apply to become a matriculated student for the next semester or next year. At that point she can transfer any courses she’ll be taking as a nonmatriculated student. She has to keep in mind, that many courses are not transferrable unless she receives a B or better. Also, she should take courses that she’ll be able to apply towards her degree. She can work all this out with the counselor.

Things are going to be a bit shaky for awhile. And that’s OK, because things are a bit unbalanced while you all regroup. However, you’re teaching your daughter that it’s OK to make a mistake. And it takes a strong courageous person to say, “I made a mistake” and move on, without being concerned of what others may think of you.

-Dr. Linda

Dr. Linda Silbert can be reached at linda@stronglearning.com.