That's entertainment

Rick Melén

We threw our annual spring party recently, and since the summer soiree season is kicking into high gear, it occurred to me to offer a few pointers to those hoping for a successful get-together.

The invitations should reflect the purpose of the party, who's throwing it, the date and time, where it's being held and whether or not it's going to be fun. You can lie about the last part if necessary. If it's an e-vite, the app will prompt you to fill in the pertinent information. There will be a section that shows who has RSVP'd, so go ahead and send in phony acceptances from celebrities whom you are pretty sure it won't get back to. Add a personal note, like "I wouldn't miss a party with my favorite Swiftie, love, Taylor!" Put a little heart where the "o" would be for the sake of authenticity.

There will be some hard feelings from those you didn't invite. President Obama apparently didn't get an invitation. He hasn't cornered me about it, but if he does, I'll say, "Oh, really? Check your spam folder." That usually works. However, when I corner people I invited that didn't come, they usually say, "Oh, really? Let me check my spam folder."

Having a party is a great reason to tidy up the house and the property. We have our guy come in and do some extra landscaping, which implies that after he's done there is a landscape, maybe something that a painter might use as a subject. Instead, when he leaves, the weeds are simply shorter and there are piles of dark brown mulch that cover everything that cannot easily be identified. I also got flowers for the occasion and put them in a vase with water. Should I put an aspirin in too, or is that just for Christmas trees? Just to be sure I dropped a couple Oxycodones in.

"Can we bring something?" People don't want to show up empty-handed, and it gives them an opportunity to show a little of their own personality while providing a small tribute to the hosts. If you're going to bring a dessert, you can't go wrong with chocolate, and if you DO go wrong with chocolate, it's probably YOU that went wrong and not the chocolate. No need to get too fancy, a package of Snickers "Fun Size" is fine with me.

When the guests arrive, note that personal greeting habits have evolved over the years. You used to give the ladies a kiss on the cheek and shake hands with the guys, and that was it. There have since been many new wrinkles, most of them on my face. Some ladies now go for a double kiss on the cheek after the European style, and I've even had a couple of tri-kissers. I think one kiss will probably suffice, if administered correctly, but I'm always willing to turn the other cheek. Some prefer a kiss on the lips, unless otherwise occupied; timing is everything. If you get an air kiss, i.e. one that demonstrates particularly bad aim, don't be offended. It simply means that hair and makeup together cost over $200 dollars.

The men now even adopt their own signature style of hug, which ranges from the traditional modified bear to a side hug with a simultaneous handshake. Some will pat your back as if trying to burp you, or cure the hiccups. The handshake itself may be bone-crushing, so I've taken to using a realistic plastic hand. After COVID, fist bumps were popular, especially if the host looks a little ashen or like they haven't eaten in a while.

There will be small talk, and it rarely grows any bigger. By the end of the conversation, it's more likely to decrease in size. Here are a few phrases that you might hear, and what they actually mean: "I LOVE your new hairstyle!" (I HATE your new hairstyle); "So, got any trips planned?" (We have a trip planned that's 10 times better than YOURS); "I've always wanted to get that kind of dress!" (Wow, you got fat); "Do you think that kind of dress would look good on me?" (Wow, I got fat); "Oh! I didn't know you knew my ex-boyfriend." (I HATE your new hairstyle).

Ordering out a couple trays of food is fine, if you have a way to keep them warm, like Sterno. Remember, Sterno in the hands of a klutz takes on the basic properties of Napalm. I wouldn't know personally, but my eyebrows took a long time to grow back. Don't try anything too complicated. Once we thought we'd make real s'mores on the grill, which sounded fun and retro, but have you ever tried to actually eat one? I had three s'mores on the grill simultaneously, and when I tried to harvest them they entrapped me in a gooey cocoon that I had to eat my way out, emerging like a butterfly, only less well-dressed.

After an interminable, oops, I meant indeterminable amount of time, the party, in your mind, is over. But not to a few particular guests, who each fancy themselves as "your oldest friend." You can get rid of them by starting to clean up, starting with putting the cookies under lock and key. Happy summer partying!

Say hello at rlife8@hotmail.com.