Bless them, change me

I was recently at the center of a fairly big misunderstanding with family members.

Details are not important. Let’s just say I misspoke, made some people uncomfortable, and came to regret what I’d done. I think most of us have been in this spot at one time or another.

I spent four days reflecting, confided in a very good friend and listened to her feedback, and ultimately apologized to the few people I had offended. Everyone reacted with maturity and acceptance and we are now moving forward.

But this entire situation reminded me of something a priest once said. Which is ironic since I am not Catholic and do not attend church. That same good friend who advised me during this problem of mine shared a message she once heard from a priest: “Bless them, change me.”

As I age, I find myself reflecting more. A lot more. On life, on family, on legacy. And I do believe the key to happiness is being willing to accept change. Change. That thing most of us are uncomfortable with.

I don’t like it when plans change, I don’t like it when rules change, and I don’t like it when Starbucks changes their coffee lineup. I don’t like change. But I am a different person since unintentionally hurting some family members and reflecting on my words and actions. I am changed. Or, perhaps more accurately, I am changing.

There’s a lot to unpack here. Am I saying religion – however ironically – saved me? No. I am saying that a very intelligent person who happens to be a priest said something to help me evolve. In one phrase, he helped me accept change and offer grace to those I had hurt.

Apologies are not easy. They are nearly impossible to verbalize for some people. It is a natural instinctive reaction to become defensive and maybe even put up walls to protect ourselves. We think it seems easier to leave a situation and retreat to heal our wounded feelings. But if we don’t revisit the event and try to learn and grow from it, we might lose someone important in our lives. Or we might at least change how they feel about us. Any type of friction within a family withholds any possibility of true happiness. We cannot make people fit into our preconceived ideas of how things should be.

In “The Untethered Soul,” author Michael Singer states, “Letting go of yourself is the simplest way to get closer to others.” I believe self-reflection and change are what he meant by “letting go of yourself.” Letting go of your SELF, your preconceived notions, is part of a spiritual path. It is the work of a lifetime. If we can stop resisting this flow of life with all its challenges, the challenges may begin to look like stepping stones on a spiritual journey.

I still don’t like change. But accepting it is imperative to happiness. And, honestly, any coffee Starbucks offers always makes me happy.