Is Politics on the Menu for Thanksgiving?

One of our Thanksgiving gatherings from years ago is a day that lives in infamy.

Things were going so well until two of my brothers-in-law got into it with my father over politics after a few glasses of wine. I may have contributed to the altercation, but memories are fuzzy. The incident caused my mother to ban all political discussions from future family gatherings. We have mellowed a bit, so maybe it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. The political dynamics of many families make Thanksgiving especially challenging these days.

Should politics be avoided at all costs, or should it be attempted with some ground rules? According to an Economist/YouGov poll, 46% of Americans avoid talking about politics at the Thanksgiving celebration. But maybe it is the way we talk about politics that is the problem and not the topic itself. After all, politics is on many of our minds these days, so why not share with friends and family? 

I’m active in an organization called Braver Angels. They are dedicated to depolarizing our politics by, among other things, promoting more civil discussions about controversial topics. I attended one of their workshops called “Families and Politics, How to Talk to Loved Ones on the Other Side.” I gained some insights on how to navigate difficult conversations, even over Thanksgiving turkey. 

Family members fall in to different roles in political conversations. The Gladiator initiates the battles to straighten out wrong-headed relatives. The Defender counterattacks, sometimes by mischaracterizing the position of the speaker. The Sniper tosses in barbs from the sidelines. The Peacekeeper, my mom, always wants to cut off all political conversations before they get started. The Bystander keeps their mouth shut and has their head down on their phone when the sparks start to fly. And finally, there is the Engager, who tries to have a respectful conversation to understand differences and seeks common ground. The goal is to be an engager. Braver Angels teaches constructive engagement in these conversations by using CAPP, an acronym for Clarify, Agree, Pivot, Perspective. 

You Clarify, by restating your discussion partner’s position to demonstrate that you were listening to them. Paraphrase their position without judgment or shading. “So to make sure I know what you are saying…”

Then Agree by trying to find some common ground. “We can agree that X is a problem” or “we all want the same thing.” By creating some alignment, it turns the temperature down a bit and puts both people on the same side of the table. Finding agreement is sometimes easier said than done.

Pivot, by asking permission or signaling that you would like to offer your own point of view. “Here is where I am coming from on this.” Or, “Can I give my thoughts?”

Offer your Perspective, with your feelings on the topic. Anecdotes and stories are always helpful to make your point. Calmly explain your position and how you came to it. Deliver your perspective without denigrating the other person’s position or motives. In order to be understood, you must first understand where your relative is coming from. Even if you might not agree with their view.

And, most importantly, have an exit strategy. If head-butting persists, a simple, “maybe we should leave it there for now” should suffice. Or, if they insist on having the last word, “OK, got it, let’s move on.” But let’s be optimistic and assume things went well. Close the conversation with, “I enjoyed our conversation. Thank you. I’m glad we could discuss this in a civil way. That doesn’t happen often these days. Please pass the turkey.”

Happy Thanksgiving.